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I find myself back at the key board composing another blog after another loss. I feel like if time allowed I would write more than I do now. I am constantly composing these in my head even if they never make it to print. I think it is a tool I have learned to put things in perspective, learn how to move past things and deal with grief.

We have recently lost a member of our extended family. A dear friend not only to us but to so many others. Thomas Clayton has been in my life for about 12 years or so. He has been a friend to my husband for even longer, probably closer to 25 years or more I am not sure. They met in high school. They lived in “Tom’s” house for awhile LOL That was always the story when we were making our way to Manito or Forest City, he would tell me of all the fun they had at that house. The memories that still put a grin on my husbands face whenever he tells me about them.

I know everyone loses someone at some point in their life and it is hard to know how to grieve or how to live without that person in your life but this one has been exceptionally hard it seems. I think part has to do with not having seen him in months prior to his passing, part is because we have lost many at this very same time of the year and part is because he did not want a visitation or funeral. I respect his wishes but I do believe those events help bring us closure. Right now it still seems so unreal that he is even gone. He always said he was living on borrowed time, he knew his health would not carry him into old age but I can’t help being selfish in wanting more time, one more conversation, one more shared joke or one last pep talk or kick in the butt I might need.

When I have all of this going through my mind non stop I find myself with so little patience with people and their every day whining. I have to restrain from wanting to grab them and shake them until they are grateful for the life they have! We take so much for granted these days it is sickening…I don’t have a perfect life and I could list all of the unfair things life has thrown at me but you know what? I would rather sit back and count the blessings I do have…I am lucky to have the best man in the world as my husband, best friend, partner in life, I have 4 beautiful healthy successful children, I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back and food in my belly whenever I want. I guess maybe not always having the easiest life has shown me to be more grateful or maybe its the losses in my life. Whatever it is I am glad I have it.

Life can be incredibly hard but how you feel and how you react and what you do to make the best of everything really determines how hard life really is…if your life is NOT what you want it to be then what are you doing to change it? Do you have a plan? Are you working your plan?

Life really is so short. Make the most of what you have, change what you don’t like and DECIDE to be happy. Most importantly tell those in your life that you love them, that they are important to you or there will be a day when it is too late.

I hope the next time I get a chance to write it can be all about happiness. I have so much to be happy about but right now my heart is heavy with loss.

Until next time….

Live, Love, Laugh

My regrets….

4-12-15

Today I have thought of you and our past more than I have in years. Today marks the 5^th year you have been gone.  I have come to the conclusion that I have three regrets. My first regret is falling out of touch with you all those years ago. It feels like a lifetime ago since we have been close. My second regret is not ever having told you the impact you had on my life. My third regret is not being there when you were hurting so bad that your only solution was to take your life.

The first regret happens, not many people you grow up with stay in your life forever. We both had various things in life going on at the same time and we drifted it happens. Ironically there were so many times over the years when you weren’t in my life that I needed someone like you. Some people we grew up with or went to school with never knew you like I knew you. They never knew how kind hearted and how loving you were. You were the absolutely best friend ever, you knew when to hug me and when to kick me in the ass. You were protective. There are so many ways you were my hero. I should have told you this stuff before…

When I think of my childhood and growing up in Spring Lake not all of the memories are good but I do have some that have stuck with me and will forever. I will never ever forget the night I looked out of my bedroom window to see you walking up to my front door along with about 20 kids standing in my front yard. The reason? Well I was grounded (for what I do not remember) but the biggest part of my punishment was not being able to go to your junior high party you were having. The party was more important than just a party, it was us spring lake kids trying to get to know and fit in with our new fellow students at Edison. This was a big deal to us since we came from such a small school and now were thrown into what seemed like a million other kids. You walked right up to my front door while everyone else stood in the front yard waiting you asked if I could please be allowed to come back with you to your party. This meant more to me than anyone will ever really understand. The reasons will have to wait for another blog another time.

Our friendship did start way before this though. My clearest memories are when we were young and you were sick. I remember coming over just to hang out and play video games even though I really didn’t like playing video games I did love hanging out with you. I remember the first summer I ever went to Branson to stay with my grandparents and I got a call which at that time was pretty rare since we had the whole cost of long distance calls then!!! Unfortunately it was a heartbreaking call, it was my parents calling to tell me about your mom and dad’s motorcycle accident. I remember it like it was yesterday. I misunderstood at first and thought you had been in the accident. I was a mess at but finally understood it was not you but your dad. I don’t mean to make less of your dad’s death because it was awful. I only have a vague memory of your dad but when it comes to your mom, well she has always been a woman I have admired and looked up to my entire life. She has to be one of the strongest women I know. Although you and I had drifted apart and you were not even living around here I always asked your mom how you were and would get the updates on you. I always wanted the best for your life, you deserved it.

I remember you coming by my house one night with Bob and you guys and my mom on one side of the room and me and Karri on the other side with our “dates” and you and the guy I was sitting with trading insults in a friendly kind of way LOL it was the first time I saw how protective you were with me. You didn’t like him and you didn’t think I should hang out with him. I knew it wasn’t a jealousy thing because you had approved of who I dated before with no problems and we just weren’t like that with each other. Sure there were times I think we tried dating but it just never seemed to work out. It wasn’t meant to be. We were best at being friends.

My last memory of us together was you showing up out of nowhere on my door step! I had plans with friends to go to a bar to sing karaoke that night and asked you to come along. I had been divorced for about two years and was still trying to make up for missing my 20’s. We didn’t get to catch up much at that time but we did have a lot of fun. I remember looking at you once and seeing this huge smile and asking you what you were smiling about and you said I am happy to see you so happy. I was happy. I was there at that bar for a reason, that reason has now been my best friend and husband for over 10 years.  It took me awhile to realize you had seen me unhappy so many more times than really happy. I have that smile in my memory forever. My biggest regret will always be not making the effort to stay in touch at that point. I wish I would have told you just how important you were to me.

I remember where I was, how I was told and what I was doing when I found out you had taken your life. I felt like someone put a whole in my heart at that moment. I was so unbelievably angry at you. I was angry because you had been through so much in your life and had always, always found a way to survive. Your mom had been through so much how could you put her through this pain?? How could you disregard your own life so easily when you had been given more than one chance at life? How could you do what you did where you did it?  That was our place!!! We solved all our childhood problems there. We helped each other there. I am sure we yelled at each other there too. How could you take away all of my good memories of us there? It took a few years before I let go of the anger I had directed at you for this. It took me to realize just how much pain you had to be in to do something that would hurt so many you cared about. I think now of how special that place had to be for you too in order for you to find your final peace there. So I go there when I am struggling with something because I know you are there looking out for me as always. I also try to go there when I am happy and in a good place because it reminds me of how far I have come in life from that little green house and the drainage ditch and an unlikely best friend just up the hill….

Rest in peace my friend; watch over me and my family and your family too.

Until we meet again….