Another loss…

  By mrswallyd | April 8, 2016 - 1:34 pm |
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I find myself back at the key board composing another blog after another loss. I feel like if time allowed I would write more than I do now. I am constantly composing these in my head even if they never make it to print. I think it is a tool I have learned to put things in perspective, learn how to move past things and deal with grief.

We have recently lost a member of our extended family. A dear friend not only to us but to so many others. Thomas Clayton has been in my life for about 12 years or so. He has been a friend to my husband for even longer, probably closer to 25 years or more I am not sure. They met in high school. They lived in “Tom’s” house for awhile LOL That was always the story when we were making our way to Manito or Forest City, he would tell me of all the fun they had at that house. The memories that still put a grin on my husbands face whenever he tells me about them.

I know everyone loses someone at some point in their life and it is hard to know how to grieve or how to live without that person in your life but this one has been exceptionally hard it seems. I think part has to do with not having seen him in months prior to his passing, part is because we have lost many at this very same time of the year and part is because he did not want a visitation or funeral. I respect his wishes but I do believe those events help bring us closure. Right now it still seems so unreal that he is even gone. He always said he was living on borrowed time, he knew his health would not carry him into old age but I can’t help being selfish in wanting more time, one more conversation, one more shared joke or one last pep talk or kick in the butt I might need.

When I have all of this going through my mind non stop I find myself with so little patience with people and their every day whining. I have to restrain from wanting to grab them and shake them until they are grateful for the life they have! We take so much for granted these days it is sickening…I don’t have a perfect life and I could list all of the unfair things life has thrown at me but you know what? I would rather sit back and count the blessings I do have…I am lucky to have the best man in the world as my husband, best friend, partner in life, I have 4 beautiful healthy successful children, I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back and food in my belly whenever I want. I guess maybe not always having the easiest life has shown me to be more grateful or maybe its the losses in my life. Whatever it is I am glad I have it.

Life can be incredibly hard but how you feel and how you react and what you do to make the best of everything really determines how hard life really is…if your life is NOT what you want it to be then what are you doing to change it? Do you have a plan? Are you working your plan?

Life really is so short. Make the most of what you have, change what you don’t like and DECIDE to be happy. Most importantly tell those in your life that you love them, that they are important to you or there will be a day when it is too late.

I hope the next time I get a chance to write it can be all about happiness. I have so much to be happy about but right now my heart is heavy with loss.

Until next time….

Live, Love, Laugh

My regrets my friend…

  By mrswallyd | April 26, 2015 - 2:43 am |
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My regrets….

4-12-15

 

Today I have thought of you and our past more than I have in years. Today marks the 5th year you have been gone.  I have come to the conclusion that I have three regrets. My first regret is falling out of touch with you all those years ago. It feels like a lifetime ago since we have been close. My second regret is not ever having told you the impact you had on my life. My third regret is not being there when you were hurting so bad that your only solution was to take your life.

 

The first regret happens, not many people you grow up with stay in your life forever. We both had various things in life going on at the same time and we drifted it happens. Ironically there were so many times over the years when you weren’t in my life that I needed someone like you. Some people we grew up with or went to school with never knew you like I knew you. They never knew how kind hearted and how loving you were. You were the absolutely best friend ever, you knew when to hug me and when to kick me in the ass. You were protective. There are so many ways you were my hero. I should have told you this stuff before…

When I think of my childhood and growing up in Spring Lake not all of the memories are good but I do have some that have stuck with me and will forever. I will never ever forget the night I looked out of my bedroom window to see you walking up to my front door along with about 20 kids standing in my front yard. The reason? Well I was grounded (for what I do not remember) but the biggest part of my punishment was not being able to go to your junior high party you were having. The party was more important than just a party, it was us spring lake kids trying to get to know and fit in with our new fellow students at Edison. This was a big deal to us since we came from such a small school and now were thrown into what seemed like a million other kids. You walked right up to my front door while everyone else stood in the front yard waiting you asked if I could please be allowed to come back with you to your party. This meant more to me than anyone will ever really understand. The reasons will have to wait for another blog another time.

Our friendship did start way before this though. My clearest memories are when we were young and you were sick. I remember coming over just to hang out and play video games even though I really didn’t like playing video games I did love hanging out with you. I remember the first summer I ever went to Branson to stay with my grandparents and I got a call which at that time was pretty rare since we had the whole cost of long distance calls then!!! Unfortunately it was a heartbreaking call, it was my parents calling to tell me about your mom and dad’s motorcycle accident. I remember it like it was yesterday. I misunderstood at first and thought you had been in the accident. I was a mess at but finally understood it was not you but your dad. I don’t mean to make less of your dad’s death because it was awful. I only have a vague memory of your dad but when it comes to your mom, well she has always been a woman I have admired and looked up to my entire life. She has to be one of the strongest women I know. Although you and I had drifted apart and you were not even living around here I always asked your mom how you were and would get the updates on you. I always wanted the best for your life, you deserved it.

I remember you coming by my house one night with Bob and you guys and my mom on one side of the room and me and Karri on the other side with our “dates” and you and the guy I was sitting with trading insults in a friendly kind of way LOL it was the first time I saw how protective you were with me. You didn’t like him and you didn’t think I should hang out with him. I knew it wasn’t a jealousy thing because you had approved of who I dated before with no problems and we just weren’t like that with each other. Sure there were times I think we tried dating but it just never seemed to work out. It wasn’t meant to be. We were best at being friends.

 

My last memory of us together was you showing up out of nowhere on my door step! I had plans with friends to go to a bar to sing karaoke that night and asked you to come along. I had been divorced for about two years and was still trying to make up for missing my 20’s. We didn’t get to catch up much at that time but we did have a lot of fun. I remember looking at you once and seeing this huge smile and asking you what you were smiling about and you said I am happy to see you so happy. I was happy. I was there at that bar for a reason, that reason has now been my best friend and husband for over 10 years.  It took me awhile to realize you had seen me unhappy so many more times than really happy. I have that smile in my memory forever. My biggest regret will always be not making the effort to stay in touch at that point. I wish I would have told you just how important you were to me.

 

I remember where I was, how I was told and what I was doing when I found out you had taken your life. I felt like someone put a whole in my heart at that moment. I was so unbelievably angry at you. I was angry because you had been through so much in your life and had always, always found a way to survive. Your mom had been through so much how could you put her through this pain?? How could you disregard your own life so easily when you had been given more than one chance at life? How could you do what you did where you did it?  That was our place!!! We solved all our childhood problems there. We helped each other there. I am sure we yelled at each other there too. How could you take away all of my good memories of us there? It took a few years before I let go of the anger I had directed at you for this. It took me to realize just how much pain you had to be in to do something that would hurt so many you cared about. I think now of how special that place had to be for you too in order for you to find your final peace there. So I go there when I am struggling with something because I know you are there looking out for me as always. I also try to go there when I am happy and in a good place because it reminds me of how far I have come in life from that little green house and the drainage ditch and an unlikely best friend just up the hill….

Rest in peace my friend; watch over me and my family and your family too.

 

Until we meet again….

 

 

 

My Journey so far….

  By mrswallyd | September 30, 2014 - 5:37 pm |
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My journey so far…..

This was first intended to be a chronicle of my weight loss journey, however along the way I realized this has been a life changing event in more than just pounds lost. It is amazing to be able to look back on life and learn from what I have done, or not done and what I thought the reasons were and what I have come to realize are the true reasons for things.  I realize that may be a bit confusing so I will go back and explain.

All of my life I had been small. I can remember being upset I couldn’t give blood in high school during the blood drive because I didn’t weigh enough!!! Now realistically it wasn’t my giving nature that was upset but the jealousy that others got out of class to give! Up until I was pregnant with my first child I weighed around 100 pounds. My first doctor’s appointment was when I was 3 months along already (had to get married and be less than 3 months pregnant to be covered by insurance, should have been my first clue when that is how I planned my first wedding) I weighed in at a whopping 104 lbs. And that was the last time I ever saw that number on a scale again. I delivered my beautiful daughter at 168 lbs.!!! Holy cow quite literally!!! I left the hospital weighing the same even after an 8 lb. baby! I did eventually lose some weight and was down to the 130’s by the time I was pregnant with my second child and delivered my adorable son weighing about the same as the first time. This began my struggle that would take me up to 2011, when I started to change my life and decided to get tips from websites like lizzardco.com.

My first life changing event took place in 2000 when I lost my grandmother. She was one of the most important people in my life. She had a strength that amazed me beyond belief. She was my rock. I still miss her every day and am most sadden that she is not here in person for me to share the happiest time in my life. I say in person because I feel her with me every minute of every day. I do not want to take away anything from my mother because she too is an amazing woman. She showed me that even if you make a wrong choice you can still change it and be happy. You can go from feeling like a nothing to being someone’s everything. I do not think to this day she knows how amazing she is.

Next Life changing event….Divorce..wow now that was life changing!! When my children were with their dad I was alone!!! What in the world was this?? I had GONE from my mom’s house to my husband’s house never having lived ever on my own. It was one of the scariest times in my life. It took a ton of time and some great people but I found my peace again, I found me. Trust me it was a long hard process but worth every minute! I actually should apologize to a long list of people because during this time I wasn’t always a good mother, daughter, sister, friend, family member or person in general. But for once it was about me not anyone else and it made me become better at all of those. Dawn, Deanna and Charlie were probably the best rocks a girl could have had during this time! I do not even see them much now but still count all three as the dearest friends a girl could ask for. And three people I would still do anything for.

Next up, the love of my life….. I will never know what I did to deserve this man in my life. He is amazing, he is the most honest and loving man I have ever met. He is an incredible father, husband, step dad, son, friend and partner. I count myself lucky every morning that I wake up next to him. He started out as my best friend and will ALWAYS be my best friend. We combined our families and other than a few hiccups we blended well. Today to see the four kids together makes me unbelievably happy. WE gave that to them, we gave them another parent to love them and another parent they could count on, we gave them siblings they will have forever. They are close and I couldn’t ask for more. So here I was happily married, the mom to another two kids and just going along life like everyone else. I won’t say we didn’t have our issues just like any other family but I really think we all were happy and glad to have each other in our lives, what more could you ask for??

Just as we had our ups this down was a big one, May 5th 2007 we lost a man dear to all of us. We lost my father in law in a tragic accident. We were devastated. The single hardest thing I have ever had to do was tell my dear husband his dad was gone. The next few months were a blur. Arrangements, visitation, funeral, dealing with the horses, house etc. I knew my role was to take care of my husband and help in any way I could. With my nature being to take care of everyone else I tend to take longer to deal with grief. Having held in my grief quite a bit then having another tragedy strike with my childhood best friend committing suicide and then being sued by my ex-husband I lost it. There is no other way to put it. I was horrible. I was mean. I was irresponsible. I was depressed, I started having anxiety attacks and doing things that were just not me. There were very few people who truly knew how I was being, how bad my depression had gotten. I knew I had to do something to change it or I was going to lose everything that was important to me. I have to say one thing, my husband is the most understanding, loving, caring man I could ever ask for but everyone has their limit and I started to realize his may not be far off if I didn’t change my ways and quick. I went to see my doctor and after sitting in his office for 45 minutes crying my eyes out and taking a depression evaluation he prescribed me some meds. to help with the depression. I want to say he is my gynecologist but he helped me in every aspect of my life and I will always be grateful for him. He is a great doctor all around not just the obvious women parts.  It was a battle back and somewhat slow at times but I made it…I have a long list of people to thank for this, first of all, my husband for having the patience of a saint and my kids and family for still loving me, even when I was crazy. And it may surprise some but Summer for covering for me at work. She helped more than she will ever know, no questions asked just did whatever I needed done and kept my secret and really deserves credit in saving my career and I don’t think I have ever thanked her for that.  But the biggest had to be Lindsay. She was my friend, my therapist and butt kicker when I deserved it. I wouldn’t have made it without all of these people most of all her. She saved me and I will treasure my friendship with her forever.

So some of you may be wondering what all of this has to do with weight loss??? Well it has to do with lifestyle changing!!! I wasn’t happy with a lot of what was going on with me but I knew better than to change it all at once. So I made a plan. In 2011 I joined weight watchers with my mother with the plan to lose about 30 lbs. so I could quit smoking. I knew my depression tendencies wouldn’t be able to handle quitting and gaining more weight so I had to lose before I quit. I shamefully started weight watchers at 180.6 lbs. I had even lost about 5 lbs. before that. This was more than I weighed when I delivered my children!!! And I was a smoker! And 40!! So I had my goal, get under 150 and stop the smoking and hope to not gain too much of it back! When I quit smoking on Feb. 18th 2013 I weighed about 153. I had changed the way I ate, I exercised more. I continued my better habits but knew I would see a weight gain from the not smoking. I had prepared myself for this. In the meantime I decided there was some other things I wanted to change. Some of these may seem silly to most people but they were things I wanted and I decided I was going to do them. I wanted to take better care of my skin, I had always been lucky as far as acne goes but I had never done anything preventative. I started using products for this and still do to this day. I also wanted to make sure I hydrated my skin as I like being in the sun and suffered so much with dry skin in the winter. I use lotion every day without fail now.  Lastly, if I was going to be a nonsmoker I wanted whiter teeth! I now have a routine for that too! These may seem trivial but they were all apart of my new lifestyle. They were a list of things I always thought about changing but was just too darn lazy to do the work.

Now back to the weight loss! January of 2014 my husband and I both decided we needed to make some changes. I had only gained about 15 lbs. or so back from not smoking thanks to walking and jogging regularly. I still wasn’t where I wanted to be. We decided to purchase an exercise program called T25 and we also used an app called my fitness pal to track food daily. The exercise program was set up for a 10 week routine. I also went to see my doctor so he could help me do this in a healthy manner. I told him what I was doing and how incredibly slow the weight loss was. He took some blood and ran some tests. He also gave me some suggestions on eating properly etc. After the test results came back and everything seem to be alright he decided to prescribe me a diet pill. He had me come see him monthly to track my progress. I didn’t tell many people about this because I didn’t want them to think I was taking the easy way out or that it was some magic pill that just melted the weight off. I had made major changes and was doing the hard work to make this happen!!! Trust me when I say when it came to ending the prescription I was scared that it would all come back. My doctor reassured me it was my hard work and changes not the pill.

In February I ran in my first 5k race. My goal was to finish and I jokingly said not to finish last. Ironically I was close to last but stayed back with a girl who was struggling as much as I was and I would have stayed with her until the finish but she had a friend loop back and run with her. As much as I joked about it I didn’t want to see anyone finish last alone. I ran this race in lightning speed of 40 MINS! I ran my second 5k race in July and shaved 5 mins. off of my time. I was so overwhelmed by my accomplishment I had tears. I had talked my sons girlfriend into running with me and her being 20 years younger finished way before I did and she wanted to talk to me right after and I had to walk away to get my emotions under control. Since I was sucking in breath heavily she was none the wiser to my tears.

Fast forward to now and I proudly weigh in at 135 lbs.!!!! I went from a size 12 creeping closer to 14 to now firmly in a size 6! My wonderful husband has dropped 30 lbs. and we are both in better shape than we have been in years. I never ever could have done this without his undying support. He is my world, my everything.

I can honestly say without a doubt I am happier now than I have ever been. I have been smoke free for 19 months, I am at my ideal weight and I FEEL wonderful. As a bonus my husband is HOT. LOL He always has been but now…damn…

This is definitely a long story and less to do about weight loss but more about changing a lifestyle. It shows that no matter what you have gone through, no matter what you are going through that you have the power to change your life. No matter what it is that you want all you have to do is set that goal, fight that fight and you can achieve anything.

For those of you who made it through to the end of this story I thank you for your time and if just one person takes something from this it was worth it.

For those of you who were mentioned in this story and those I may have missed thank you for your role in my journey I will be forever grateful.

I will soon post more details of the weight loss and changing my lifestyle. I will also write more about my career ups and downs. This was just the first story I wanted to tell.

Until then,

Live, Laugh, Love